Today would have been 40 weeks. I know due dates don't mean anything so it's not like I actually consider this day more significant than any other, nevertheless reaching that commonly acknowledged point has not escaped my attention (in fact I was feeling weirder on Friday because that was the day I was hoping to give birth back when I was still pregnant).
It's hard to articulate what I'm feeling about it all. I'm not sad, but I no longer feel the same sense of relief I was feeling at the time of the miscarriage. I guess I feel a little bummed about missing out on that glorious state of late pregnancy and I certainly feel sad to be missing out on the experience of birth. Doesn't help that people left, right and centre of me seem to be either pregnant, trying to conceive, or recently have given birth themselves. (But I was contemplating that the other day and it suddenly occurred to me that der, Nat, you and many of your peers are simply at that stage of life -- of course everyone's TTC, pregnant or giving birth! So I felt a little better after that.) I also just can't help but wonder about what could have been, what course the journey might have taken, how it would have changed my life, and so on. On the other hand, I'm still glad not to have the responsibility of another baby right now and would still prefer to wait until we're home from Japan for good before taking on that responsibility.
I'm still wondering what to do with the pot we buried the placenta in. It's been sitting here at Mum and Dad's place all this time. Part of me thinks the dirt should just be scattered around their garden, since I don't feel any particular emotional connection to it and the practical side of me feels it might as well be put to good use sooner rather than later. Another part of me wants to plant an apricot tree with a view to transferring it to our backyard once we return home permanently. But why I feel drawn to this idea, I don't really know. Maybe there is a bit of an emotional connection after all.
Anyway, just pondering. And putting it out there for the sake of anyone who might be able to relate.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
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4 comments:
40 weeks a milestone that deserves some reflection.
I note you say you don't do Easter. Does that mean you now don't believe in the Resurrection or simply that you prefer to honor Christ's victory over death as the fulfillment of the Feast of Firstfruits?
Thanks for your comment Bob. Yes, I absolutely believe in the resurrection. If Christ isn't risen then my faith is futile. However, I don't celebrate Easter because of its pagan origins and associated corruptions of the true biblical account (e.g. a Friday crucifixion to a Sunday resurrection is not three days and three nights). As you alluded to, I believe that Christ's ascension into Heaven on the first day of the week was the ultimate fulfillment of the Feast of Firstfruits.
((hugs)) for you. I to felt very similar around the time I 'would' have been 40 weeks. It is a reminder of the path that could have been.
Go gently on yourself. Using the soil to plant a tree when you get back sounds like a wonderful idea.
Aw, thanks H&H. I didn't know you'd ever had a miscarriage... Hugs right back atcha. Mwah!
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